I keep coming back to this issue, so my apologies if you still haven’t gotten over my last post about it.
I really don’t feel like I have a personality. Seriously. Some of you (the Romgi) may chuckle again when I say that, but it’s how I feel. When I get to know someone, I give them a mental caption describing their personality. A short caption…maybe a Twitter post. I don’t think I have a caption. I can think of specific things that I like: stripes, argyle, picture frames. But those don’t define me – at least, I don’t want them to.
I found this entry in my awesome red journal, which may do nothing more than demonstrate that I have an identity crisis approximately every 2 years:
23 August 2005 – The genuine Mika
I blush easily. I read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix in 6 hrs 39 min. I used to make pterodactyl noises to make my sister laugh. I gave up chocolate for a while and now it doesn’t taste as good as it used to. I have six nieces and nephews who sometimes call my sister “Aunt Mika” because they remember my name. I want a puppy more than any other tangible thing right now. I have put my whole heart and energy into Academic Decathlon, learning how to cook, and my relationship with [the Romgi]. I am risking everything on him because he’s worth the worst heartache in the world. I play the Glad Game. I dislike driving on the freeway. I watch chick flicks. I enjoy learning and using formulas in Microsoft Excel. I have spent a long time disciplining myself to be a positive, optimistic person who never complains. I am fascinated by genealogy. I edit well. I can be cheered up by a mug of Ghiradelli’s gourmet hot chocolate. I use a guided imagery cd to fall asleep. I am a terrible liar. I love little kids. I don’t want a diamond ring. I write long letters. I am just beginning to understand myself.
Ok, so obviously either some of things have changed drastically or I was trying to be funny – “positive, optimistic person who never complains”? “I love little kids”? Wow, those are so NOT me. But anyway.
Part of this personality-lessness that I feel translates as social awkwardness. I don’t know how to come across as being sincere and genuine because I have no idea what I’m genuinely like. Also (and I know the Romgi thinks I’m beyond ridiculous for this) I cannot figure out how much eye contact is too much or too little. About a year ago I read something that mentioned eye contact is a really delicate social cue, and it’s hard to find the right balance of looking at the person but not staring – and ever since then, I can’t help but dwell on it. Honestly, whenever I’m talking to someone other than the Romgi or the Bwun (yes, it does happen, occasionally) a large portion of my consciousness is dedicated to making just the right amount of eye contact. It’s exhausting, and I think it contributes to my lack of sincerity…
Now, I hope that you’ll point out that I’m wrong, but I have this idea that motherhood tends to erase your identity, or at least blur it a lot. So I kind of want to feel that I had some identity in the first place to be blurred.
Help me out…what’s my caption? 140 characters or less!