no really, I NEVER shut up

we had the missionaries come eat with us tonight. I found it amusing…they sat in front of us at church last week, and one of them had his scriptures out. well, his name was on there; it was kinda hard to get my head in the right position at the right angle so I could read without there being a glare. in fact I was awfully contorted. but I did manage to see that his first name is micah. so tonight was amusing because the first time my mom said “mika, will you do such-and-such?” he had the funniest look on his face. surprised, taken aback, probably thinking for a second that someone was trying to talk to him. I know because I respond to my name being pronounced “micah,” and I bet he’s had some illiterate person say his name like mine. it’s just something you get used to. anyway, I tend to avoid the elders. I’m not entirely sure why — not that I think they’re bad, or anything, but first off I really have nothing to say to them, and secondly I’d rather not have the nice dating-aged girls in jarom’s mission being really good friends with him. yeah it is silly of me. but I remember my mom telling me once, when I’d been waiting for a letter for a month or two, “maybe he ran off with a korean girl!” it doesn’t help that I think most asian women are gorgeous, especially compared to me with my pigmentless skin and oddly thin build. although I’ve gotten a lot of compliments in the past few years to make me comfortable with how I am. still, I do think many many many others are more attractive, and I guess I expect jarom to agree. which means I’ve got a lot of work to do convincing him that there are other reasons to pick me. (“ooh pick me, pick me! I’m askin’ you with my brain!”)

ten days, fellas, ten days. it’s still looking like I won’t have work that week, or if I do it will only be on monday and maybe tuesday. to be honest, I wish someone would invite me to go to the airport. then I’d know exactly when I’ll see him, and what the situation will be, and I can prepare for it. besides, I’d be awfully flattered if I were asked to come. oh well. it certainly doesn’t look like that will happen. unless jarom tells his parents in this next monday email to invite me, which I find to be extremely unlikely. sometimes I feel so bad for him, poor kid coming back to what is now an unfamiliar country, and there’s this girl waiting for him, going crazy, and she’s got all these insane ideas and is completely head-over-heels for him, and everything is just so confusing…but, most of the time I suspect that he’s excited. at least a little bit. if I’ve read him right (no, not a figure of speech this time) he sees things going in the same direction I do, though maybe he’s got a much more vague timeline. who knows. we’ll have to wait and see. wait wait wait wait wait. like I haven’t done enough of that.

I really did get more cleaning done on my room today; if nothing else, I put away every single article of clothing that was lying around or waiting to be hung up or still sitting in the dryer from wednesday. or was it thursday? no, wednesday. I wanted to go to a movie tonight. earlier I asked kendy if she wanted to go; she said yes, but then the conversation ended there because one of us had to go do something…by the time I finally resumed the discussion, it turned out she had assumed I wanted to go to madagascar, when really I want to see sisterhood of the traveling pants. yeah, so it’s a girl movie. that’s what I’m in the mood for, and it looks like something I would really enjoy. I just didn’t feel like seeing the other tonight. I do want to see it, of course, I’ve heard good things about it, but I was all psyched up to see the girl movie. and kendy had no interest in going to that; she got mopey and I got mopey and I would’ve gone by myself, honest I would’ve, except that I got distracted and when I looked at the clock it was too late. I didn’t have the energy by then, either.

talked to kimberlee for about half an hour earlier. all of our friends seem to be getting engaged, or almost engaged; well, nemelka’s married and pregnant, kim is engaged, aubrey will be engaged when she gets back to provo, jennifer will probably be engaged by fall…kim’s friend sarah got married yesterday, liz from work — and sarah flinders — both got married today, nellie farmer gets married next saturday. everyone everyone everyone. I still have that feeling I got when kimberlee first told me she was engaged, the one captured so well by l.m. montgomery’s writing in anne of avonlea: “…a queer little loney leeling…as if somehow, diana had gone forward into a new world, shutting a gate behind her, leaving anne on the outside.” I know I care about jarom, very deeply, but it’s the reciprocation, and the emotional intimacy that comes with it, that these other people have and I don’t. everyone is “pairing off” — remember back in 10th grade when rachel young said jarom and I had already “paired off”? I wonder if anyone knew that he liked me back then. I sure didn’t. that was certainly a surprise when I found out later. anyway, my point was, everyone seems to be pairing off, and I’m just mika-by-herselfishness. maybe not for long, I know, but I am a bit lonely this evening. I really ought to have gone out and done something. too bad I never got an announcement about or invitiation to sarah flinders’ reception. it would’ve been a good outing. a happy one. but, the last wedding reception I went to also left me lonely. plus I had to look up the quote from anne of avonlea, and I want a gilbert blythe now, only I think jarom is the right combination of every storybook man I’ve ever loved. gaa I’m so mushy and almost weepy and this is not a good time to be rambling.

so let me just finish by saying that whether I sound like it or not, I am happy, life is beautiful, and I have every intention of making the next ten days absolutely glorious. I never did get around to perfecting myself before jarom came home, like I had planned to, but I guess he’ll have to decide if maybe I’m worth it anyway. worth the journey towards perfection, I guess.

wow, that was too smarmy, whether it was accurate or not. I’m leaving.

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