biscuits petit beurre et chocolat au lait

stayed home from work today. possibly a choice I’ll regret, but I don’t at the moment. I’ve been feeling emotionally unwell, which is almost the same as being sick, right?

I was finally able to pinpoint the emotion that’s been floating around the past couple days — I’m lonely. I really ought to go out and meet some people here, actually make friends, since it doesn’t look like I’ll be back at byu this fall. it’s been a long time since I actively went out looking for people to hang out with. doesn’t it make you feel like a loser to have to do that? I’ve always had a connection, at least one person who could introduce me to their friends, and I could network from there. now, nothing. no one.

the “obvious” solution is to go out to rockville branch. yet, I refuse. still. I remember trying to figure out why that is; I was out driving and thinking, and it seems like I was able to understand my quasi-logical reasoning for it. I think it has to do with the fact that all the people at rockville branch have chosen to stay in fairfield. ridiculous reason! I’m staying in fairfield! the idea was that they aren’t making anything of themselves if they don’t go out into the world at all (ok, mika, since when does going to provo count as going out into the world?). again, ridiculous, because I’m learning and becoming plenty of things more than before at my job — which, amazingly, is in fairfield. but, the fact remains, I have that prejudice against everyone at rockville branch before I even look at any of them. then there’s the fact that I’ve known most of these people my whole life, and I can’t say that makes me like them a whole lot more.

oh yes, and there’s the dynamics of the group. exactly like high school. as if all of them have been caught in 11th grade, here in fairfield, only they have jobs instead of going to armijo or ffh. this stupid “he said she said,” “can you believe what she’s wearing?”, “did you hear he asked her out?” nonsense. that is ridiculous. I hate it and I refuse to surround myself with it. there’s enough at work that I willingly take part of. church is not supposed to be for gossip, backbiting, and fake smiles.

so where was I? ah, yes, meeting new people. as I’ve explained, rockville branch is out. I could go up to dances in sacramento, but I’m not sure I want to go by myself. would I be outgoing enough to introduce myself to people and find a way into a group? I’m not sure.

sometime in may I plan to go visit jacopo. if I can get a decent airfare through priceline, I’ll go out and stay for about a week. his cabin up at bear lake will be open after next weekend, and he said he’d like for me to come. sometimes I think life would be a whole lot easier if jacopo and I were in love. wouldn’t it be nice if we could just stop looking for someone else?

I’m supposed to be in love with jarom, though, aren’t I? I’ve gone through phases like this before — and they don’t last long — where I just don’t feel like things are going to work out for him and me. maybe I got scared enough of seeing him again that I lost my “in love”-ness. but what I think really happened is that I realized how much time and energy it’s going to take to get to know him again. to get to the point where jacopo and I are. I mean, I can write three pages about all the things jacopo likes and hates and is, but barely half a page about jarom. I just don’t know him anymore. he’ll be going back to byu at the end of august. that’s about 2 months to spend with him this summer. for all the hints he’s given in his letters, I don’t know that he feels as strongly for me as I did for him. which is exactly in keeping with our history. anyhow, the thing that makes me wonder if maybe this isn’t just another phase is that for the first time ever, I’m ok with jarom finding someone else. even when he and I were just friends, before any romance came along, I wanted to be his best friend forever. but now, like my father once said, “when jarom goes to byu he’s going to realize that there are other girls besides you.”

if he doesn’t, though — if I remain, in his eyes, his best and dearest friend — how are things going to work out? unless he gets a cell phone I don’t think we’ll talk all that much; he’s bound to find lots of friends, he always does, and he’ll be busy with school. he might come home for thanksgiving and I know I’ll see him at kimberlee’s wedding, but it’s a long-distance relationship I don’t think will survive very well.

what I’m saying is: jarom is not my best friend. jacopo is. and just like early freshman year at byu, when I wrote that finding a new really good friend would take too much energy away from being best friends with jarom, I’m not too keen on decreasing jacopo’s role in my life right now. I need him.

unfortunately, he’s not all I need. as we’ve both made perfectly clear, we’re not in love with each other. I need someone here, not in utah or south korea but here, that I could care about. I need to be held. I haven’t been really held in a dreadfully long time — I suppose you might count when I went to get my car from utah in january, and jacopo and I had a splendid evening, but that wasn’t quite what I’m after.

and my butter biscuits with milk chocolate are gone.

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